I was twenty years old
And healthy as can be
But little did I know
Life was about to change for me.
I was walking in my schools’ gym
With my older brother
Then suddenly I opened my eyes
And I was on a stretcher under the covers.
My brother looked at me and said
“Lindsey, you had a seizure,”
I shook my head and laughed a little
Because I was a disbeliever
My mom and dad drove
To the hospital to see me
In that bed, I sat frightened, timid, and scared
And I knew I was worrying the hell out of my family.
It was my first episode
All my tests were all clean
So, they decided to send me home.
I kept thinking, “what does this mean?”
Three months had passed
But I still had not forgotten that day.
And I was in for a treat
Much to my dismay.
It was during dinner at home
I fell right onto my mother.
Another grand mal, my body was powerless
I did not even realize I had another.
I could not even say
My birthday when I was asked.
All I remember is blinking my eyes
Then suddenly, several minutes had been passed.
The loss of memory and the stumbling words,
Why can I not remember?
Another round of tests and a pile of worries
Why did my body just surrender?
The doctor ordered medicine
Because it was my second grand mal seizure.
All I could think is I want to go home
To my puppy just so I can see her.
This medicine sucked
I just slept my life away.
I was sad and on edge
But it is what I needed to keep my seizures at bay.
An MRI, an EEG
That not knowing had me feeling
That the universe is outright abusive.
I had to start graduate school
It is exhausting.
The academic stress and my personal battles
Upon me, I felt a depression falling.
My mind became a dark
Absolutely frightening place.
I had to tell my doctor
That my medicine made my life a disgrace.
I got a new prescription
I am starting to feel like myself again.
I am smiling and joking and laughing
I almost forgot who I had been.
It is a constant battle of worrying and wondering
Is something going to happen?
Will I seize in the classroom? Or on a date?
It is a mindset that I feel trapped in.
The loss of independence
You even get scared to shower.
I never realized until it happened to me
That those with epilepsy have a lot of power.
We are constantly fighting
This invisible battle.
And society does not see
That it is more than just a hassle.
My journey has just started,
Sometimes I want to give up.
But I know inside I am a warrior full of strength
And I have accepted that you cannot always control how your life is set up.