When I was 1 year old I had 3 blood clots in my brain and a stroke. When I was 10 I repeatedly to zone out, I ignored it though, thinking I was day dreaming. When I turned 11 years old I was eating ramen at the table and I kept having the “day dreaming” feeling more, but more intense. Leaving me confused, scared, memory loss, anxious, exhausted. I finally cried. Tears streaming down my face as I put the food down telling my mother I was scared and this was something more. After multiple brain scans and tests, they confirmed I had epilepsy.
I had scar tissue on my temporal lobe and my absent seizures could be triggered by basically anything it seemed like. Weather , smells and other things and I felt signs sometimes before, like something bad was going to happen, or deja vu. I was on meds for awhile and then sophomore year I got taken off. My neurologist at the time was honestly not great. He didn’t listen just kept popping me into so many different pills and I was also growing so I had so many mood swings. I also was partying and trying to have fun at a young age, for me, this led to more seizures and issues with relationships I had. I couldn’t get my drivers license after so many attempts, and I tried working they all ended in panic attacks at my jobs. Although I was off meds i still got very depressed. I was partying a lot after highschool, even smoked lots of weed and was not taking care of myself because i didn’t want to anymore. I kept waking up on the floor and I realized that I had started having tonic clonic seizures. I didn’t tell anyone because I felt like it was to much stress , a burden, and I didn’t want to go back on meds as I already felt not okay. I kept smoking weed and being dumb, after over 40 seizures in only a few months, absent and tonic clonic, I was found by my brother April 10th 2020 convulsing loosing oxygen.
Paramedics came and I was out of it dazed and confused, and going crazy it seemed like. Next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital and was there for 3 days. I got out easter morning and my parents found my weed (dab pins) and threw it away. I got put back on meds and I was terrified. If my brother didn’t see me, I would’ve suffocated and died, as I convulsed and vomited all day. It still hurts. Definitely traumatizing experiences for me, but weed triggers my seizures and drugs and alcohol do affect them. I’m doing my best now to take better care of my health and love myself. This pandemic has been hard, for everyone, but if this pandemic didn’t happen, no one would’ve been home and I would’ve died.
I am happy I’m here after so many times of not wanting to be, and I hope my recovery goes smooth. Memory loss is difficult for me , especially when I forget so much yet remember people and moments I miss that were toxic. I hope to get off meds and learn to love and find happiness in life with I do have. I cant change my past but I will change how I perceive situations and keep going after my dreams, and if I have another episode, I will not give up, especially after how hard I have fought to stay here already.